My mom and dad were devastated with all the death and loss. They have often said that they were grateful a happy, little girl came along at that time. It gave them purpose again. I was the beneficiary of their love and loved all the attention. And even though sadness was intertwined into my family’s story, we had so much happiness.
A sister and a brother soon joined our family. I loved them from the time I can remember them. We played childhood games, laughed, explored nature in a relatively safe neighborhood with magical woodlands all around. Mud pies, cowboys and Indians with ferns for arrows, a treehouse, beehives that we moved around the state and camped near for weekends at a time, a big family garden and dear friends all around. When we had big fall windstorms, it could’ve been really scary but those times were actually some of my favorites. We always had a generator, a private well and a large wood stove with lots of wood my dad was always chopping. It felt safe and simple and peaceful as our family gathered around the wood stove, in the candlelight, reading stories and singing songs as my mother played the piano. I love my childhood memories so much!
But adventures, being as they are, are often full of danger and trials as well as dancing through woodland streams and curling up together on stormy nights. Though my home life was peaceful, safe and happy, outside my home multiple difficult and dark things happened. And it changed me.
Even with the darkness that hurt me deeply and I would carry with me for years, I was a happy child, and many magical childhood events and daily happiness continued to fill my life. My siblings were my best friends. My parents we’re loving, fair and kind. We were active in our church and had unusually close and amazing friends that we did everything with. Our life was truly magical. I kept my secret hidden for many years but it took its toll on my immune system and weighed on me until I found the tools to release it and heal.
Elementary school ended and the wonder of middle school began. I played volleyball and basketball, sang in our select choir, met many new and wonderful friends. I loved school, I got good grades, I loved most of my teachers and was very social and happy. Home life was peaceful and happy with fun family traditions and vacations. I was intense and emotional but usually happy when I wasn’t exhausted. We began waterskiing as a family and besides having a lot of fun, we all, eventually, got super good at it. Even though I missed a lot of school due to sickness and lost my childhood dog during that time, life continued to be a grand adventure that I loved.
By the time I was 16, roughly halfway through high school, I had constant tension headaches and was busy all the time like many conscientious and driven students. I was told about a chiropractor who had a magic touch, was aware and very gifted at his work.
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I went to him and in 2 weeks my headaches went away and he offered me a job at his front desk. He would become my mentor in all things healing. I watched miracles happen all the time. People from states away would make sure they had appointments booked with him months in advance. His goal was to never have you return, he wanted you healed.
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He understood to our cells how we healed and what we needed to help us stay in alignment. I rubbed shoulders with healers of all sorts, I learned about crystals, essential oils, vitamins and minerals that actually worked, herbs, healthy foods, studying cultures who ate well and how much longer and healthier they lived, staying away from as many environmental toxins in our foods and beauty products end even our air and water, the power of our balanced meridians, the power of positive thought, how to realistically eat a plant based diet of 80% fruits and veggies, how critical it was to be alkaline if you wanted to stay healthy, how important it is to slow down and deal with emotions and stressors of our busy lives, and so much more!
The knowledge I gained from working at the wholistic chiropractor’s office became critical as my senior year of high school came around. My next major trauma exploded into my life on September 17, 1991.
I was in a horrible accident with my sister, brother and 2 dear friends, one of which would become my husband 25 years later. My sister was consequently in a coma for the next 8 1/2 months. It felt like it would never end. The daily struggle was horrific. She would die of pneumonia 2 weeks before my graduation in June of 1992.
I was doing terribly in school. I cut my long blond, curly hair and always felt terrible. There were amazingly good moments and fun times, it was my senior year, of course. I was on the elections committee with one of my best friends and when I didn’t make the homecoming court, he asked special permission to share with me that I was actually the 11th Princess. I had just missed it. Though it was a little sad, it was truly better anyway, I didn’t have it in me to prep for everything I would’ve had to do and it was still an honor to know that my peers thought that highly of me.
We were the largest school in Washington State. Our senior class had over 500 students in it. My brother, who was a freshman, would graduate with over 700 other students. And we had been through a lot that year. Multiple of our dear friends died and we struggled to understand it all, together. We had some amazing highlights that year. Our football team won state. Our baseball boys won recognition from all over and we were successful almost down to every last group or club. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times....
I know I’m backtracking a little here, but these were my dear friends who were graduating a year earlier than me. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to enjoy school without them. But when my sister died and when hard times continued, these friends never left. They were every bit as important to me as my classmates and many of the underclassmen. When I brag about my most amazing friends, I’m not exaggerating!!!
My PTSD was terribly high my senior year and beyond. I pushed friends away. I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again where someone you loved was ripped from your life. And I felt that if I could let go of friends on my own terms, I wouldn’t have to loose them any other way. It’s funny how you think when you’re heart is broken and you haven’t healed yet.
But my friends weren’t having any of that and they enlisted a school counselor’a help to make me see that I needed to hold on to my friends. They took me away for a couple weekends between the middle of my senior year and then into the summer after. I am so grateful to my true friends who loved me and wouldn’t let me sink, all alone, in my pain.
The day my sister was dying, I was counseled by an EMT to get counseling because she felt like I was handling things too well, ie. not emotionally connecting to it all. And she was right. A few months later I could neither cry nor laugh. All emotion was shut down, and it scared me. So, I sent myself to counseling. I worked with a lot of dough-dough heads but found some really good ones and good tools along the way. I worked with my healer friend and many of his friends and associates. I was introduced to energy work and inner child work that was very valuable.
And I went off to college, like I had dreamed about since I was a little girl hearing stories from my parents about them going to BYU, meeting and falling in love. And I loved it. I loved the friends I met, I loved having a new start, I loved being on the beautiful BYU campus, I loved being independent, I loved playing and having fun, but I wasn’t healthy.
One of my close friends since I was very young, called me one day and said, “It’s like you are climbing up a shale mountain and for every step forward, you are sliding back two.” He saw how much I was actually struggling. I am grateful for good friends like him, who are willing to tell me the truth.
After a wonderful and terrible first semester I came home to heal. But I still didn’t understand true healing principles. Even though I worked for my healer friend and was learning truths that had the power to heal me, I wasn’t ready to fully incorporate those tools into my life. And though I desperately wanted to slow down and heal, I couldn’t let myself.
So, back to school I went and pushed forward. I eventually pulled my grades up. I went to counseling regularly. And though I wasn’t healed, I was on the road to healing. I felt better than I had for years and my 1st husband showed up in to my life
He was dashing and fun. We could talk all night and he had a lot going for him. We dated and were married within a half a year (I had known and loved his family for years and thought I knew what I needed to know about him.) But as I was broken and fighting to heal, he was broken and trying equally hard to hide it. Within the first couple weeks of marriage I began to see that he wasn’t emotionally connected. I didn’t understand what that meant at the time but it scared and depressed me.
We had four beautiful children and I loved being a mom. I did everything I could to be a great wife as well and still emotional, mental and physical abuse happened. I fought to love him and succeeded. I am very proud of that. And I fought to help our family be happy and fought to protect my children and fought to be healthy in every way I could.
I homeschool my four children and loved it. It was one of the toughest and best decisions I ever made! We would calm the house down after my ex left for work, and bring out our school supplies, our classic literature, our puppets to learn Shakespeare with, our hot chocolate and comfy blankets and binders and fun writing tools, our art books and watercolor colored pencils. We went on walks in the woods and swims in the river and explored beaches, we took care of animals, took horseback riding lessons, dance classes and anything I could make materialize for each of my children. It was truly magical. I loved every minute I had with my children.
Yes, we still had rough days. And not everyone got along all the time. And we all struggled with our own personal and family challenges but school every day together was a wonderful time to learn and share and be together. I couldn’t wait to organize our school year during each summer and I couldn’t wait for every changing season to share more cool experiences with my kiddos.
Somewhere in the middle of it all, I learned energy work and was certified in it. My best girlfriend and I both were certified and helped our children and each other to go inside and face our pain and our fears and heal. It was the best tool I had found to that point and it was actually helping me to release much of my pain from my childhood and my car accident. It was a tool that allowed me to truly let go and release my pain and trauma. There are some fundamental things that I don’t like about energy work and undertrained energy workers but with wisdom and caution, great healing can happen. I turned my energy work into a simple pattern connected to my higher power that really worked. I felt so much relief.
I fed my family a mostly plant based diet (modified for my meat loving ex but with the option of no meat for most meals.) We drank fruit smoothies, ate whole wheat homemade rolls, drank water from a free local artisan well, ate a lot of authentic Japanese, Thai and South American foods. We ate delicious meals. I never felt ripped off even though I didn’t eat white flour of any kind, dairy except butter and some Parmesan cheese, almost no meat except fish, and no white sugar.
Even with all the good food, the healing energy work and and the outdoors exploring, I was very sick. And by the end, I had given everything I had to give, and my body was nearly dead.
After disclosed of more serious abuse, I realized my ex had given me no choice but to finally leave. The only way to protect me and my children was to get serious help. I did. My children and I were hugely blessed by the police and detectives of our hometown, we were protected and believed and after a couple years of ridiculous legal, religious, familial and friend challenges that were unlike anything I had ever seen, we were truly free. We had amazing CBT counselors and trauma nurses and help to face and deal with the depths of our abuse.
My children and I faced crazy trials and even with the help of the many tools and keys I had collected my whole life and the blessing of a few dear friends and family who never left our sides, we began to truly heal. Now, I don’t want to minimize the excruciating process of facing such deep darkness and loosing so many dear friends and family who didn’t stand by our side, however, the victory that we each gained has been monumental. Each one of my children are powerful and good and strong.
We will likely have more things to overcome as we continue to flow with our lives. The magic of it all is that we each have the tools and keys to face whatever comes and as we have continued to work our programs, we have found that the difficulties are fewer and fewer and the peace and happiness continues to increase.