How was your spring equinox? Are you still covered in snow? Our spring is progressing slowly as we had a blizzard just a couple weeks ago! But we have had some luxuriously warmer days where I got to open my windows and clear the winter stagnation and fill my home with clean energy and new life. Oh, how I love spring!
Spring blooms!
If I had to pick a favorite season, I’d have to say spring. I love summer (especially in the Pacific Northwest) with its lazy, long days and chasing butterflies and dancing with my faeries and swimming and river trips and family gatherings. I love fall with its colors and pumpkins and cobblers and being able to wear my warm clothes again, I love watching my faerie friends gather everything in for the winter and eat the delicious feasts from the harvest. Winter has its beauty and celebrations that get me through and I love curling up with my loved ones near a warm fire and the first snowfall is so magical and there is something exciting, enchanting even, about fierce winter storms, and it is fun watching the usually quick and agile faeries slow down and float around during light snow showers and on clear, cold nights with a full moon, however, I don’t think I warm up at all during those long dark days...but spring, oh, spring!
Dogwood blooms. Some of my very favorite flowers. My daughter and I found these in one of our photography adventures.
John Muir once said, "Between every two pine trees there is a door leading to a new way of life." I would add, within the opening in my dear cedar tree. It truly is a new way of life, a new way of thinking and feeling, my life since I’ve found my faeries and my Grandma Mae and they invited me down in their beloved cedar. Trees are magical and so connected to the faerie world.
“...a new way of life.” John Muir
As I stood there with Grandma Mae in the bright room of mirrors, I felt overwhelmed. There were so many feelings surrounding my journey to freedom and how I ever got to a healthy place from such a place of deep darkness. I looked into the mirror at my tired eyes. Grandma Mae must have noticed my overload and motioned for the flitting faeries to do something for her, though I wasn’t sure what, until they returned with soft blankets and what felt like down filled pillows. They made a gloriously comfortable place in front of the mirror from my young motherhood days and then Grandma Mae sat on what felt like a cloud of softness, with her back to the mirror and motioned for me to lie my head down in her lap. I didn’t hesitate.
Stock photos arranged by me.
Surrounded by soft pillows and blankets, with Grandma Mae softly brushing my hair with her fingers, I began to relax and breathe more deeply. I don’t remember even closing my eyes.
Faerie trinkets in the room of mirrors.
Sometime later, I began to dream. It came in pieces from when I was young and sleeping deeply and then as a young child watching my mom stay up late folding laundry and wanting to be with her. I think I snuck down and begged to be able to stay. We were night owls and I loved it. Next I was a young girl who had begun to loose that childlike innocence and I started feeling “stressed” a lot and didn’t sleep well. By the time my high school form appeared in my dream, I felt my sleep slipping and I was fading in and out of my dream. In high school I barely slept at all, often 3-4 hours a night and then I’d crash. Saturday, you would likely find me sleeping past noon.
Me with my little sister and brother at Christmas when I was a kid.
By the time I was a senior and had my car accident, I couldn’t get enough sleep ever. I wanted to do fun things with friends, and often did, but then I was always soooo tired. PTSD had fully kicked in, though I suspect I had had it for years due to some childhood abuse that happened outside my home, it was now just amplified. I startled awake.
Me and my future husband at my sister’s funeral in 1992.
“What were you dreaming, dear one?” Grandma Mae asked quietly.
“I have never been able to sleep well, at least at night. Ever since I was a child, I felt like a night owl. And during the day, I am always tired. And I am more tired when I feel overwhelmed.”
“One of the basic requirements of healing, is good sleep, another is good food, and another is being outside every day.”
Blackberries, fruit salad, hard boiled eggs, clam chowder and homemade limeade. Delicious foods.
“You’ve said that before. I don’t know if I will ever do that well. I have tried so many times and so many ways. I don’t know how.” I felt like crying.
“Then, feeling well will always be hard for you.”
“How can I sleep well?” I think Grandma was waiting for me to ask.
The great outdoors!
“After a really difficult time in your life, it is really hard to calm things down. One of the best ways to calm it down, is to create a soothing bedtime routine, just like you would for a child. Make sure your evening meal is over a couple hours before you start settling down. If you need to take something like valerian or 5-HTP or melatonin to help you settle down, do it now. As you let your body unwind, consider drinking some warm herbal tea like camomile, or red raspberry leaf, or even peppermint. You could even drink golden milk, anything that feels warm and soothing and helps your body relax.
I just loved this mug from a stock photo I found:) Soothing, warm golden milk.
“Stay off electronics of any kind during this time, as they will always over stimulate you. Listen to peaceful music, read a good book, take a warm bath or shower, rub some lavender oil or jasmine or another calming essential oil into your feet, neck and hands. Learn to give yourself time to deal with the stressors of the day at an earlier time, so they don’t flood your mind now. Think of beautiful things, people and places that you love. Dream of things you’d love to accomplish and places you’d love to go and allow your soul to fly.” Grandma Mae stopped and let me consider all this.
Here’s one of my favorite photos of Maui from a couple years ago. It’s a perfect place to dream of!
“I have tried many of these things but so much of my trauma happened at night and I feel afraid, even as an adult. It’s like I brace for trauma every night.” I began shaking just thinking about it all.
“That is hard. I am so sorry.”
But even as she said that, I knew I could do better. I knew that even though I was scared, not doing my best made everything worse. “I have used different herbs to help me sleep, some were really strong when my trauma was the worse and they helped for awhile but left me feeling groggy during the day, so I’d dial it all back but then I wouldn’t sleep as well. But I think I kind of gave up somewhere along the line, maybe as a young child a little bit, and maybe during the worse of the trauma. I will try again, Grandma. I will try. But what about the food and the being outside?”
More faerie trinkets.
“You are too tired today. You have been healing well and it takes a lot out of your body. Go back home and try to sleep better this week. Come to me again next week and we will talk a little more about sleeping along with eating and being outside again.”
She was right, I was so weary. I had pushed through the room of mirrors with my warning dream from the faeries and continued to learn to see reflections of what was going on inside of me by noticing what was going on in all the world around me. I had then learned about sleep and ironically realized how very tired I was. I also admitted to myself for the first time, possibly, that I have never slept well. I will do better from now on. “Thank you, Grandma. And thank you, my dear faeries. I will see you in a week!”
